Life can take you on some astonishing directions when you really start contemplating yourself. Think of life's journey as a bridge held up by strong columns of ambition, hope, desire, and security. This bridge can be followed with little thought, and it will lead to destiny, but when you start thinking of where you are coming from, where you are headed, why you are who you are, and whether any of it even matters, the bridge begins to split into directions that lead to vast unknown regions enshrouded in foggy uncertainty. Some paths may lead you backwards, some may be dead ends, and some may be difficult to follow, but none will be as perfect as the original, and when you realize that fact, the bridge collapses. The strong foundations holding it up disappear as if they had never existed, and you're left free falling into an endless pit. That queasy feeling in your stomach doesn't go away, and directionless, you are left with nowhere to go but deeper into the darkness that will prove to consume you.
You suddenly realize that you never had anything at all. What motivated you before doesn't motivate you anymore. Your smiles fade in mere seconds, and your body is weighed down by an unseen dark shadow tearing away at your soul - at the very essence of who you thought you were, or who you fooled yourself into believing you were. That strong vision you built up of yourself is suddenly unmasked to reveal a scared, lost little child.
You know, confidence is an interesting subject. It's not hard to convey to others, even if you don't have it. You pretend to be unphased by life's challenges, you brush off everything that could be seen as weakness and move forward without looking back. Of course, this isn't possible without building walls: walls to keep yourself from looking back at the pains of the past, walls to keep your thoughts contained, walls to protect you from every little thing that can and will be tossed in your direction. Unfortunately, these walls are mere illusions for yourself. They won't keep you from being haunted by the past; they won't keep your mind from wandering, and they sure as hell will never protect you from anything. These walls only have one purpose, and that's to fool both yourself and others to believing you are confident.
Too bad it doesn't work... Can people really be deceived as easily as I think they can be? Do they even care enough to notice? Is that why I've lost motivation for everything I ever cared about before? Is that why I feel so fucking isolated from everyone and everything right now? Funny how it just takes a small thing to spark thoughts that have have piled into your mind for ages...
To all those who care, thanks for listening...
And to all those who don't give a shit... FUCK YOU
Happy Valentine's Day