Blog Archives - Silent Rogue
Earlier today, I was at an event for the Children's Hospital of LA, and I had the pleasure and privilege to be inspired by a girl of about 15 who aspires to perform on Broadway. Partway through the event, this girl came on stage to deliver a speech as the other former patients of CHLA had given before her, so I didn't really expect anything profound. How wrong I was. This girl, who has survived multiple cardiac illnesses and numerous operations and procedures, came on stage and delivered a well-crafted speech that was delivered with the finesse of a politician. However, what hit me the most was a single sentence she uttered. It struck me with awe because as I listened to her, I realized the struggle she has had to overcome, and yet she perseveres through it all. I surprised myself in the amount of respect I felt for her - not only because I have never met this girl personally but also because I am not normally a person who jumps to great admiration of another so quickly.

The sentence she uttered was: "Hearts are judged not on the amount of love they can give but on how much they are loved." In the instant that I heard that sentence, I immediately refuted it in my mind. I have always felt that hearts must be judged not according to the perceptions that others have of you. If we try to bend ourselves to the whims of others, where does that leave us? Should we not judge a heart on the amount they care for others? Does that not give them the essence of human decency? Are we expected to succumb to the desires of the exterior if we are to be judged positively? These are the thoughts that entered my mind as I heard her go on about her experiences, ambitions, and hopes.

While I can say for sure that I hold fast to my belief of placing the importance of loving over being loved, I must admit the alternate intrigues me. While the context of the statement by no means indicated such, the idea that judgment is made upon the notion of how much we are loved says a lot. In the eyes of those around us, our value is placed on how much we are loved and how we are praised publicly. It matters very little (and possibly nothing) how much the love we hold in our hearts for others. Let's face it, when was the last time you admired someone for their ability to share and convey love to others? Now, when was the last time you looked up to, admired, praised, or commented on celebrities? While (most/some) celebrities are deserving of their fame, it is not for their ability to love that they are praised. It is because they are loved by others that they are praised even more. It is the mob mentality, and the world is reduced to a generalized drone.

I don't know which side of the equation is heavier, or even if it is an equation, but I hold fast to my opinion of loving surpassing being loved. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just can't justify judging more positively those who are simply loved more over those who have the heart to love with real passion...
So, I realize this blog has taken somewhat of a depressive turn recently, but I guess I just have a lot on my mind...

Life can take you on some astonishing directions when you really start contemplating yourself. Think of life's journey as a bridge held up by strong columns of ambition, hope, desire, and security. This bridge can be followed with little thought, and it will lead to destiny, but when you start thinking of where you are coming from, where you are headed, why you are who you are, and whether any of it even matters, the bridge begins to split into directions that lead to vast unknown regions enshrouded in foggy uncertainty. Some paths may lead you backwards, some may be dead ends, and some may be difficult to follow, but none will be as perfect as the original, and when you realize that fact, the bridge collapses. The strong foundations holding it up disappear as if they had never existed, and you're left free falling into an endless pit. That queasy feeling in your stomach doesn't go away, and directionless, you are left with nowhere to go but deeper into the darkness that will prove to consume you.

You suddenly realize that you never had anything at all. What motivated you before doesn't motivate you anymore. Your smiles fade in mere seconds, and your body is weighed down by an unseen dark shadow tearing away at your soul - at the very essence of who you thought you were, or who you fooled yourself into believing you were. That strong vision you built up of yourself is suddenly unmasked to reveal a scared, lost little child.

You know, confidence is an interesting subject. It's not hard to convey to others, even if you don't have it. You pretend to be unphased by life's challenges, you brush off everything that could be seen as weakness and move forward without looking back. Of course, this isn't possible without building walls: walls to keep yourself from looking back at the pains of the past, walls to keep your thoughts contained, walls to protect you from every little thing that can and will be tossed in your direction. Unfortunately, these walls are mere illusions for yourself. They won't keep you from being haunted by the past; they won't keep your mind from wandering, and they sure as hell will never protect you from anything. These walls only have one purpose, and that's to fool both yourself and others to believing you are confident.

Too bad it doesn't work... Can people really be deceived as easily as I think they can be? Do they even care enough to notice? Is that why I've lost motivation for everything I ever cared about before? Is that why I feel so fucking isolated from everyone and everything right now? Funny how it just takes a small thing to spark thoughts that have have piled into your mind for ages...

To all those who care, thanks for listening...

And to all those who don't give a shit... FUCK YOU

Happy Valentine's Day